The things they never tell you about death
The pain never ends
Why do people die? and where do they go to? is often the question I get asked by children, whom I either teach or whom I have the privilege of being an Aunt to. The answer is always the same “ I have no idea”. And depending on the occasion, it is always followed by God knows best.
The first time I recall ever knowing that people die, was when I was probably about six years old. My Grandmother, whom we spent Christmas with, died after a long battle with a brain tumor. ( I had no idea what she died of at the time). However as I grew older, I found out how she had died. As young as I was I cried because what it meant to me was that, I would never get to see her again. Somehow I would miss the peppery stew she made so well. I did not understand what loosing someone meant. The years would go by and my own mother would loose her battle with breast cancer, this time I was older I understood that she was in pain, I knew she cried when she thought I was not looking. Still I was hopeful and prayerful that somehow God would heal her just as he had promised in his word. Well my mother died, I for a while lost my faith in God. It would take a while, and eventually I found my way back and came to the understanding that death was not something to be afraid of. It was after all just a passing phase, a transition into a different world. Loosing my mother taught me things no one ever told me and I would share briefly what I have learnt or understood
The pain never ends. Loosing someone, anyone is extremely painful. It is the kind of pain that somehow cuts deep inside your heart. It leaves you with a feeling of hopelessness, despair, rage, fear and so on. And when you think you have somewhat overcome your pain, a memory, thought, rips through you reminding you of the absence of the person.
There are no set rules for grieving. It irks me when people think it is in their place to determine how a person grieves. The day my mother died, my sister chose to wash my mother’s clothes while I cried a lot and also ate more than I had previously done. Some people experience shock, disbelief, and denial so the reality of what has happened may not have dawned on them.
Loosing someone is not proof that God did not hear your prayers. At the end of the day, God knows at that point what is best. It may seem strange, hard to understand but it is what it is. And eighteen years later, I can say God knew best. It was not easy to understand at the time but he does know best
That the support of those who love you cannot be underestimated. A popular saying says it takes a village to raise a child, well it takes a village to heal a child too. A person who is grieving needs all the love, and comfort they can get. Even when they act like they are in control, it is not true. Keep an eye on them.
This list is by no means exhaustive, and I would add that sometimes, there is a numbness that you cant explain. That it may affect your views on love and relationships, you don’t hurt as people expect you to when a relationship ends. There is that feeling inside you that the worst has hit you already. It might also be a springboard that propels you to live without fear, with faith and hope.
As John Donne’s poem says “And death shall be no more,death thou shall die’’
